具体描述
Haltzman's promise of stress-free marital bliss is attractive, but his advice grates, recalling the worst sort of paternalistic misogyny. After explaining that men's worst communication habits are the result of genetics, Haltzman goes on to say that men need to be nurtured, require acknowledgement for their efforts and only get married for sex. So much for wives "doing less"! Once readers recover from their shock, they'll begin to notice that whether Haltzman is focusing on arguing efficiently, spicing up your sex life or learning to recognize nonverbal expressions of love and remorse, the lesson is the same: a wife should always love and accept her husband for who he is and always has been, even after the initial throes of romantic love fade away. That core is sound, but it's hard to say who Haltzman treats less kindly on the way there: men, who are described as intractably difficult, or women, who are told to put up with them anyway.
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"well done and recommended to update marital self-help sections." (Library Journal, January 2008) "...this delightful...humorous and entertaining book is a must- read for savvy brides-to-be." (Ladies First, Spring 2008)
As Haltzman (psychiatry & human behavior, Brown Univ.; The Secrets of Happily Married Men) knows-he’s been married for 20 years-the idea of shaping one’s marriage without it seeming like another job appeals to most women. Together with DiGeronimo (Raising Baby Green), he here proposes that men are hardwired to please women and that if a knowledgeable wife tailors her message to the way her husband can hear it, she will enjoy a deeper connection and achieve happiness without compromise. In a manner somewhat similar to John Gray’s in Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, the authors advise married female readers to speak in shorter sentences, directly ask for what they want, and take charge of their own spiritual and intellectual need. Well done and recommended to update marital self-help sections.-Deborah Bigelow, Director, Leonia P.L., NJ (Library Journal, January 2008)
“…this delightful...humorous and entertaining book is a must- read for savvy brides-to-be.” (Ladies First, Spring 2008) 
"If you're a married woman, buy this book. It's love insurance. Haltzman doesn't only understand men, he "gets" women too; he's bi-lingual. He'll help you understand why the things you do to get through to your husband don't always work and more importantly, what you can do you differently to get better results. His concrete, do-able, field-tested and practical tips will, without question, make your husband, your marriage and you happier and grateful you’ve followed his advice."
—Michele Weiner-Davis, MSW, Author of Divorce Busting and Getting Through to the Man You Love
"Wives, what we've all been longing for has finally arrived. This masterpiece eliminates the womanly guesswork and illuminates the path to true marital happiness with honest, sincere, frank (and even humorous) information."
—Sheryl P. Kurland, Relationship/Marriage Trainer, Author, Everlasting Matrimony: Pearls Of Wisdom From Couples Married 50 Years Or More www.EverlastingMatrimony.com
"What a relief to read a book that makes so much sense. Haltzman's keen insight into male and female differences and insightful counsel about how to create marital happiness should be a read by all couples who want a formula for a passionate marriage. I heartily recommend this book to both men and women."
—Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. Author, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples
"Every woman can benefit through understanding how to bring out the best in a man. Scott Haltzman brilliantly reveals this secret."
—John Gray, author Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus
"Scott Haltzman has made the deep secrets of happy marriage accessible, memorable, and inspiring. He writes with a light touch that makes the reading thoroughly enjoyable. Don't miss this engaging book!"
—Susan Page, author, Why Talking Is Not Enough: 8 Loving Actions That Will Transform Your Marriage and If I’m so Wonderful, Why am I Still Single?
"This book delivers! "The Secrets of Happily Married Women" is jam-packed with research, ancient truths, street-smart wisdom, and years of advice from the psychiatrist’s couch. Page after page provides a sensitive, sensible guide to a satisfying relationship."
—Patricia Love, Ed.D., Certified Love Educator, co-author How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It
"This groundbreaking book combines a pro-female, pro-male, and pro-marriage approach to life and couple satisfaction. It's very user-friendly with shared secrets and research gems coupled with a large dose of humor that makes clinical points personally relevant and easy to relate to. The sex self-test in Chapter 5 was a particularly effective tool to help set realistic expectations. This will be a particularly helpful book for couples to increase understanding, acceptance, and value their lives and marriage."
—Barry McCarthy, PhD, professor of psychology, American University, Author of Rekindling Desire and Getting it Right this Time
"Buy this book! Then keep it handy, like on the shelf next to your most treasured cookbooks. (Although, as it makes clear, the way to your man¹s heart is not through his stomach.) Myths busted. Mystery solved. It turns out you¹ve already got what it takes, you just need to get out of your own way and start blooming where you¹re planted ­ with a man that really does want to love you."
—Diane Sollee, founder and director, Smartmarriages.com
"Finally. The first book that men will want women to read! Scott Haltzman has created a practical gem that allows women to focus on learning how to receive love from their husband. He advocates the Platinum (not Golden) Rule and urges women to "Do Unto Your Husband What He Wants Done Unto Him," so they can find the marital happiness they long for."
—Jon Carlson, PsyD, EdD, Distinguished Professor, Governors State University, Author, Time For A Better Marriage
"Dr. Haltzman uses clear and practical language to show women how to engage and support their husband in their efforts to please them. He shares the "secrets" women really need to know about men, so this book is a "must-read!" Put reading this book at the start of your New Year's resolutions."
—Susan L. Blumberg Ph.D., coauthor, Fighting for Your Marriage and 12 Hours to a Great Marriage
作者简介
目录信息
读后感
用户评价
我必须承认，我是一个非常注重实际操作和“干货”的人。很多心灵鸡汤式的书籍对我来说，读完就像喝了一碗糖水，甜一阵子就没了。这本书却在形而上的探讨之余，提供了非常扎实、可执行的步骤。它不是那种空泛地喊着“多沟通”的口号，而是具体到在争执发生时，应该如何运用“暂停按钮”，以及在日常生活中，如何设计“无干扰的高质量连接时间”。最让我觉得实用的是关于财务观念和育儿理念冲突的章节。作者没有给出绝对正确的答案，而是提供了一套让双方都能感受到被尊重的对话框架。我记得我们家前阵子因为孩子的课外班问题争执不下，我按照书里提到的“需求识别法”，把我的焦虑转化为对“未来安全感”的需求，把他的反对转化为对“当下自由度”的需求，神奇的是，双方都感觉自己的核心诉求被听见了，争吵瞬间降级成了谈判。这本书的实用性，在于它教会我们如何将抽象的情感问题，转化为具体的、可以解决的“项目管理”问题，让婚姻的维护变得有章可循，却又不失温度。
这本书对我来说，更像是一场深层次的自我觉察之旅，而不是仅仅针对婚姻的指导。我读到一半时，突然意识到，我之前对婚姻中的许多不满，其实映射的是我自身未被满足的童年创伤和对外界控制的渴望。作者非常巧妙地将“伴侣关系”这个外部载体，变成了审视“自我边界”的棱镜。她强调，一个真正幸福的已婚女性，首先是一个拥有清晰边界的独立个体。书中探讨的“依恋模式”分析，让我第一次清晰地看到了自己为什么总是在关系中过度付出，又为什么在对方稍微后退时就感到被抛弃。这种由内而外的梳理，是任何外部关系技巧都无法替代的。读完后，我不再把先生视为我情绪稳定的“主要责任人”，而是把焦点拉回到自身：我需要主动去滋养我的内心世界。当我自己变得丰盈起来，给予和索取之间的平衡自然就找到了。这本书的立意非常高远，它超越了“如何让婚姻变好”的层面，直达“如何让自己变得更好，从而自然地拥有更美好的关系”的境界，这种深度，是市面上多数书籍难以企及的。
说实话，我最初对这本书的期待值并不高，毕竟我先生和我在一起已经快二十年了，我们都算是“老夫老妻”了，总觉得那些年轻时才犯的错误，我们早就规避了。然而，这本书最让我震撼的地方，在于它对“舒适区陷阱”的深刻剖析。作者精准地指出了，随着时间的推移，夫妻双方会不自觉地进入一种“预期管理”的模式，我们不再真正地“看见”对方，而是根据过往的经验去“预设”对方的想法和行为。这种无意识的疏离感，才是真正腐蚀婚姻的隐形杀手。书中有一章关于“好奇心重启”的练习，要求我们像初识一样去询问伴侣一个我们自以为已经知道答案的问题，我尝试了一下，结果发现我先生对某个兴趣爱好的深入了解程度，远远超出了我的想象。那一刻的冲击是巨大的，我意识到自己对他的“了解”是多么的停留在表面。这本书的价值不在于教你如何去“爱”，而在于教你如何去“重新发现”你所爱的人，以及那个在你身边生活了很久的自己。它迫使我走出那层厚厚的“熟悉感”的外衣，重新审视这段关系中的新鲜感和可能性。
这本书简直是本人的救星！我最近正处于婚姻的低谷期，感觉和先生之间的交流越来越像例行公事，那种曾经热烈的情感似乎被日常的琐碎和疲惫消磨殆尽了。我抱着一种试试看的心态翻开了这本书，起初还有些怀疑，毕竟市面上这类书籍太多了，大多都是老生常谈，没什么新意。然而，这本书的切入点非常新颖，它没有过多地强调什么“完美婚姻”的虚幻概念，反而深入探讨了女性在婚姻中常常被忽略的内心需求和自我成长。我尤其喜欢作者用非常细腻的笔触描绘了那些看似微不足道的日常互动，是如何潜移默化地塑造了夫妻关系的基调。书中一些关于“情绪货币”的论述，让我豁然开朗，意识到自己过去一直在用错误的方式表达爱与不满。读完这些章节后，我开始有意识地调整自己的沟通模式，尝试去倾听先生那些未曾说出口的疲惫，而不是一味地指责。这种内在的转变，比任何外在的“技巧”都来得更有效、更持久。我已经能感受到我们之间那层无形的冰墙正在慢慢融化，那种久违的默契和亲密感正在回归。这本书不仅仅是本指导手册，更像是一个智慧的闺蜜，在你迷茫时轻轻推你一把，告诉你方向在哪。
天呐，这本书的文字功力简直让人惊叹！我是一个对文笔要求极高的人，很多励志类或指导类的书籍，内容再好，也常常败在平铺直叙的叙述上，读起来昏昏欲睡。但这本书完全不同，作者的语言充满了画面感和一种沉静的力量。她似乎拥有一种魔力，能将婚姻中那些最复杂、最令人困惑的情感纠葛，用极其优雅而精准的词汇描绘出来。比如她描述“时间在婚姻中的重量”那一段，我读了好几遍，那种既沉甸甸又轻盈的矛盾感，完美诠释了我这些年来对婚姻的体验——它承载了太多，却又好像一晃就过去了。这本书的结构也非常巧妙，不是简单地罗列“要做什么”，而是通过一系列深入人心的故事和反思，引导读者自己去挖掘答案。它没有给我任何标准化的答案，而是给了我一套更强大的自我认知工具。我现在看待我和我丈夫的相处模式，已经从一个“受害者”的视角，转变成了一个“共同创造者”的角色。这不仅仅是一本关于“如何维系婚姻”的书，更是一本关于“如何成为一个更完整、更清醒的自己”的哲学著作。我甚至会把它推荐给那些尚未步入婚姻的朋友，因为它教导的不是如何取悦他人，而是如何先取悦自己，才能在关系中保持平衡。
