I woke up， rollcd over carcfulh to prevent the pincushiol~ in mx<br >hcad from doing major damage， opened the cvc with the astigma-<br >tism， and focused oi1 the window with its mesh scrCCll alld bars.<br > "()h， no，" 1 groaned， Tvc fallen down the rabbit hole again."<br >I curled up in a ball， or more apl)ropriatcly， since I was in a psy-<br >chia{ric ward， the fetal posit:ion. I huddled under the covers while<br >fragments of memory stagcd midair collisions. [ hc pieces settled<br >and lockcd and it all Ctlll/C" back to me.<br > This was my second trip to %ndcrland. At my first admission<br >I d clung to my husband s aim， frozen with fear. Nix imival sas<br >tim result of clever coercion b m shrink， v， ho d I)ccn ，vlxin~， for<br >xvccks， "Cassio， you re falling at)a~t. You d belier go to the<br >hospital."<br > l: ，vcr the COOl)crativc patient， I fell apar! as quickly as I could<br >and went- {o the hospital， sure that l d 1)c smroundcd 1)v loonies<br >doing weird things. All I could remember xxas l)oor old Olivia (to<br >I lavilland wandering avotmd the Snake Pit being vague， :m out of<br >focus l)antc in hell. 1 pictured mxsclf dlam aticallx tied to a bed<br >while sadistic attendants forced gruel doxvn my throat with a tube.<br > Then I signed mxsclf in and found a private l)S3c hizlttic ward<br >artfully disguised as a l lolidav hm， done in soothing shades of<br >green， with family motel furniture， carpeting， and f:mlous artists"<br >prints on the wall.<br > l hc 1)allCnl-s vho could verbalize at all p~ctcndcd that the wcrc<br >rcatlv fine， thank )ou， just tcrril)h in nccd of a host." l hc suc -<br >ccssf-ully ignored less fm tunatc patients like old I~lls. Valkcr， who<br >remained l-icd in a wheelchair and thought cvc~ vonc was hot g~ and.<br >daughter.<br > I could t mdc rstand how they felt. As a child I d lric d to ignore<br >some of Aunt I，iiv s more embarrassing outlmrsts， Sllch :IS |ll(: time<br > [ . 1<br >